Pupils' Humour
What or How?
What do you call the hiking trail
around the mental hospital?
Psycho Path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when it hit
a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting
on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do you call a boomerang that
won't come back?
A stick.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you get from a pampered
cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a
snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean
and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it!
(From The Laughter List)
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Doctor jokes
1. Patient: It's been one month
since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions
on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle
said "keep tightly closed."
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2."My doctor told me to take something
for my cold."
"What did you take"
"His coat!"
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3.Wife: Doctor My husband thinks
he's a satellite dish.
Doctor: Don't worry I can cure
him.
Wife: I don't want him cured I
want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.
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4.Bob to X-ray technician after
swallowing some money:"Do you see any change in me?"
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5.Nurse: Doctor, Doctor the man
you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks
like he was just arriving!
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6. Doctor - "Deep breathing, you
understand, destroys microbes."
Patient - "But, doctor, how can
I force them to breathe deeply?"
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7, "I don't like your heart action,"
the doctor said, applying a stethoscope again. "You have had some trouble
with angina pectoris, haven't you?"
"You're right in a way, Doctor,"
said the young man sheepishly, "only that isn't her name."
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8. A mother complained to her doctor
about her daughter's strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and
eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
Eventually" said the Doctor, "she
will rise and shine!"
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9. "Doctor, I don't know what's
wrong with me. I hurt all over, like when I touch here - ouch, here - ouch,
here - ouch, here - ouch (he touches different areas on his body).The doctor
looks at him and says, you stupid idiot, you have a broken finger.
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10. Patient - "What shall I do?
I have water on the knee."
Doctor - "Wear pumps."
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11. Doctor - "Well, Mr. Jones, how
are you feeling this morning?"
Jones - "Much better, thank you.
The only thing that troubles me is my breathing."
Doctor - "Um - yes. We must see
if we can't do something to stop that."
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12. Doctor: "Did you take the patient's
temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
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13. Patient: I always see spots
before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses
help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots
much clearer.
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Doctor, Doctor
Doctor, Doctor Every bone in my
body aches!
Just be glad you aren't a herring!
Doctor, Doctor Can I have second
opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor What can I do? Everyone
thinks I'm a liar?
I find that very hard to believe!
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something
for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer
and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on? Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help
me out !
Certainly, which way did you come
in ?
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains
in the eye when I drink coffee.
Have you tried taking the spoon
out ?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this
!
Doctor, Doctor you've taken out
my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix,
but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you
!
Doctor these pills you gave me for
BO...
What's wrong with them ?
They keep slipping out from under
my arms !
Doctor, Doctor my husband smells
like fish
Poor sole !
Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache
since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took
them out of their shells?
What do you mean "took them out
of their shells"?
Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up !
Just simmer down !
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment
clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off - I'm busy !
Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar !
Have you taken anything for it
?
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What do you
call a ...
What do you call a polar bear in
the jungle? Lost!
What do you call a Donkey with only
three legs? A little Wonky
What do you call a girl with a frog
on her head? Lily
What do you call a man with a seagull
on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a shovel
on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a
shovel on his head? Douglas
What do you call a man with a car
on his head? Jack
What do you call a man with a cork
on his head? Bob
What do you call a man with a rabbit
on his head? Warren
What do you call a man with a credit
card on his head? Bill
What do you call a man with a banana
in each ear? Anything you like - he can't hear you!
(contributed by Amy Perkins)
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1. KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
THE MAGICAL INTERRUPTING SHEEP
The magical interrup - BAAAA!!
2. What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
2a. What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath!
3. Q: What do you call a snake crossed
with a builder?
A: A boa constructor!
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