PG's Humour 

Heaven or Hell


Bill Gates - Trial by God

A Changed Woman!

Forrest Gump

Hell

Marriage in Heaven

St. Peter and the Human Resources Director

St. Peter's day off

Wall of Clocks



Hell

The finer points of science - 
The following was asked on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. 
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Answer: 

First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving in and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. 

Some of the religions in the world today state that if you are not a member you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls will go to Hell. With current birth and death rates, we can expect the number to increase exponentially. 

Boyle’s law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities. 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by one Ms Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, “....that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then No. 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. 

The student received the only 'A' given. 

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Bill Gates - Trial by God

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. 

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. 
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. 

"I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" 
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" 
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" 
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." 
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." 

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. 
"This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" 
"Fine," said God and off they went. 

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell . 
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. 
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. 
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire. " So Bill Gates went to Hell. 

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. 
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. 
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. 
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" 

God said, "That was theMicrosoft SCREENSAVER!" 

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St. Peter's day off

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. 

Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. 
When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name. 

"Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive. 
"Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter". 
Jesus is now getting quite excited. In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes". 
"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus. 
"Yes" comes the reply. 

Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER". 

The old man looks puzzled and after a monent replies....."Pinochio???" 

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Forrest Gump

The day finally arrives Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.  He is met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. 
St Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you, I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we’ve been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds “It shore is good to be here St Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test isn’t too hard, life was a big enough test as it was,”
St Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions. 

Here is the first. What days in the week begin with the letter T?
Second. How many seconds are there in a year?
Third. What is God’s first name?

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St Peter to try and answer the exam questions. St Peter waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”

The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “O Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking , but...… you do have a point though and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.”

“How about the next one?” asks St Peter. “How many seconds in a year?
“Now that one’s harder” say Forrest, “But I thunk and I thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”Astounded St Peter says, “TWELVE! TWELVE! Forrest, how in Heavens name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second........””Hold it, “interrupts St Peter, “I see where you are going with this and I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one too.
"Let’s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?” 
Forrest replied, “Andy.”

“OK, OK,” said a frustrated St Peter, “I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name 'Andy' as the first name of God?”

“That was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied “I learned it from the song:
ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”

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St. Peter and the Human Resources Director

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. 

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." 

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. 
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." 
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. 

"Sorry, we have rules... "  And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.  In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. 

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times.  They played an excellent round of golf and at night  went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. 

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.  Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the elevator. 

The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing.  She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven.  Now choose your eternity," he said. 
The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." 

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. 
When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. 

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable." 
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. 
Today, you're staff....." 

(Contributed by Linda Boughey)

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Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."
And he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months and they discussed if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
 

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Wall of Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

(Contributed by Debbie O'Sullivan)

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A Changed Woman!

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing
God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone
come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 40+ years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."


(Contributed by Barbara Bland)

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